Tonight's Adventure

working our way through our favorite vices

Why I’m Opposed to Online Dating September 6, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kathleen Celmins @ 1:32 pm

The thing about online dating is people go there looking for a something. I know I did. I was tired of dating someone who wasn’t marriage material, and wasting my time, and most of my twenties, dating men (and boys) who would never be the right monogrammed Mr. to my Mrs. towel.

So, I went to e-Harmony, to find that something. If you’d asked me at the time, I would have vehemently denied that I went there searching for a husband. But in retrospect, I did. I didn’t want to go to, because I wasn’t interested in casually dating, and it seemed like e-Harmony was where the other people who were looking for the relationship to end all relationships were hanging out, out in the ether.

“I’d like to be in a serious relationship” I typed into Google. It was easy. You can order anything you want on the internet, even a boyfriend. And so, when our first date came around, I was ready to settle down, and the man across the table from me was handsome, successful, smiled easily, picked good restaurants, was engaging, and smart. I’m not sure I gave it much more thought than that, because all of a sudden, there I was. In a relationship. Telling my friends and family that this was “the one” and I sincerely hoped I had gone on my very last first date in my life. I discussed wedding dresses with my sister, and guest lists with my best friend.

But a funny thing happened. That man? That handsome, successful man? Is a someone and not a something. He is a complex human, and in my rush to make him fit a mold, I forced things to get serious very quickly. We were two people in love, and sometimes love makes us do stupid things.

Now, nearly a year later, the passion has fizzled and we’re as comfortable as two old socks that don’t match. You can still wear the socks, but you know, deep down, that the socks don’t match and at some point you’ll have to get rid of them. To let them find their partner. You know, the actual one, who doesn’t roll her eyes when he talks about something he finds interesting.

We moved in before we were ready. Or rather, before I was ready. And the moving in has made me feel smothered. I have to correct myself when I start to say “my house” or “my bedroom” because it’s not mine anymore, and I feel trapped because I can’t afford to buy groceries and pay rent without his help. It makes me resentful. It makes me mad at myself, mad at the situation, mad at him. He deserves the anger least of all. Because he’s trying. He’s loving me the very best way he can, and I’m loving him the best I can, and it’s not enough.

There’s a void. With each disagreement, we’ve grown farther apart. I didn’t realize it at the time, but each major disagreement changed the shape of our relationship. He thinks we can get back to where we were when we fell in love. But we can’t. We aren’t the same people we were last year. There’s no way to go back. You can’t go home again.

What we could do is take a step back and evaluate if the August 2011 versions of ourselves are compatible. I have looked back and I don’t think that we are. We are two people who have grown comfortable with each other, who know each other extremely well, and who love each other the very best that we can. But neither one of us is talking about saving the date. Neither one of us feels as sure as we once did. I think that both of us would be happier in another relationship.

It’s no one’s fault. It’s not the verbal sparring when we’re fueled on wine or hormones. It’s not one thing. It’s just general incompatibility, and I think we’re holding each other back.

This is the hardest realization: that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much love, time, and attention you give to something, be it a flower, a goldfish, or yes, even a romantic relationship, it can still die. I think it especially stings when you take into consideration that we are both over-achievers who have marked our lives with our successes. We don’t take failure easily, especially when it’s personal.

To end things will be painful, on both sides. Our lives are intertwined, and we’re part of each other’s routines.

I know this for sure: knowing this man has altered me forever, in a positive way. He taught me to open my heart for love, and for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.



feelings November 1, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kathleen Celmins @ 1:55 pm
That Wave

Image by Kevin via Flickr

we talked about feelings this weekend.

i told him i’ve never felt this way before.  he said it was new for him, too.

he’s not all that comfortable that i’m still in touch with men i’ve dated.  thinks that i’m keeping them around as backups.  we talked about that for a while… late into the evening on saturday.  i told him that at this point in our age, of course we’ve been in love before.  of course we’ve been in serious relationships.  hell, many people our age have been married and divorced by now.

so there are wounds.  but we have learned something from each relationship.  we’ve learned how to fight fair, how to choose our battles, how to express love, how to express our feelings, how to live with another person, and how to recognize when a relationship has reached its end.  i’m a different person today than i was when i was 21, and that is in large part shaped by the men i have loved.

i told him my theory of gut reactions.  it’s one or the other: you meet someone and you think, “well, this is just going to be casual” or you think, “wow. this person could be the one”… and i told him that when i first started dating shane my initial reaction was, “fun, but not forever” and we spent about a year testing that theory, and it was eventually proven correct.  self-fulfilling prophecy?  maybe.  but if that’s the case, i’m going to end up with this guy.

talking about feelings is not something i’m all-the-way good at, but i think i articulated myself rather well.  wine helped.

the next morning, joel texted, asking if i could jumpstart his car — he offered to take me out to brunch in return.  then i sent the most awkward text of my whole life.  “i’m heading downtown with my new boyfriend, do you still need help?” just to… i don’t know, dispel any notion that brunch would be anything other than brunch.

perhaps that will be the last time we have to talk about exes.  in that way. hopefully?


Fall 2010 to-do October 3, 2010

Filed under: lists — Kathleen Celmins @ 3:38 pm
Wine grapes.

Image via Wikipedia

  • Pitch and Putt at Edgefield
  • 80s night
  • pumpkin patch adventures
  • make “holiday spirit” and distribute it
  • talk more about opening a distillery
  • dress like hookers and drink too much on Oct 31st
  • go away on a girls’ weekend (clearly this one is cheating, since it’s already planned)
  • make bretzels
  • go shopping with cohprime
  • vote!
  • day trip to wine country — 3 wineries and dinner.

Summer Agenda, Revisited

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kathleen Celmins @ 3:26 pm
Sauvie Island Rainbow

Image by Adam Holloway via Flickr

  • Pitch and Putt at Edgefield — didn’t happen, putting this on the Fall agenda
  • Sauvie Island — done! love it.
  • Camping trip — fail.  well, partial credit?  Planny camped.  next year.
  • Wednesday Zoo concert(s) — success!  girl-date.  good times.  someone played music.
  • Mini Pacific 10 year reunion — fail. unless Planny cohabiting with someone counts as a mini reunion. (if you know what i’m saying)
  • 80s Night, Take 2/Do-Over — calling this a fail, let’s put it on the Fall agenda.
  • Wine Tour — yes! goodness gracious that was fun.
  • At least 1 beer festival — success, but … not all that much fun, which is a shame.

a thoughtful man September 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kathleen Celmins @ 2:42 pm
First date gifts

Image by Brett L. via Flickr

first date: a swanky bar for happy hour on a Friday.  i thought i’d been stood up.  emailed him on my way to my car. got a quick email in response telling me where to find him. date recovered nicely, and i thought he was friendly.  hard to tell with eh dates whether there’s chemistry on the first date.  so, my theory is to at least go on a second date, and try not to think too much about first impressions.  gave him my number so there wouldn’t be further miscommunication.

second date: sports bar on a Sunday of that same weekend.  terrible football game, but an enjoyable 3 hours sitting with him, eating bar food and drinking beer (it was a 1pm game, not a 10am game, for the record).

he goes out of town for the week.  calls me to set up plans for Saturday.  I talk about pets.  I have no game, this much is clear.  plan is set to go for a hike.

he picks me up on Saturday, at the house where I’m dogsitting.  he brings a backpack. with snacks.  and a water dish.  and dog treats.  for a dog I am babysitting.  he is clearly thoughtful.

we hike.  it’s lovely.  it’s 75+ degrees on a Saturday in September — how could it not be lovely?  I ask if he wants to meet up with my sister to watch some college football.  he agrees.  he seems to get along with her, and is not at all nervous to hang out.  football game is fun to watch.

then he takes me to a wonderful restaurant for dinner.  we have a great time.  he is a food sharer, and a food appreciator.  in fact, he has superb taste in restaurants, so far.

he brings me back to the dog’s house.  he comes up.  we watch a movie.  then, after the movie is over, he kisses me.  we stay up until 2:30, talking about everything.  learning about each other.  telling our stories.

he spends the night.  takes me out to breakfast.  I realize I spent 20+ hours with him.

we have another date tonight.  It’s been a long time since I was this excited about someone.

Madonna told me not to be mean to him.  I may or may not need to start being nicer, in general, if that’s the first piece of advice she gives me.

[I cannot get over how much fun this “recommended picture” thing is — evidently the one I inserted is “first date gifts” — hello, awesome!]


in which i wonder if i attract crazy September 21, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kathleen Celmins @ 12:11 pm
eyes, beautiful poem by Ahmad Ramii

Image via Wikipedia

last night i went on an eh date with someone who emails profusely.

he was nice, the conversation flowed pretty easily, with just a few awkward pauses, as is typical for a first date where both parties are nervous.

he said at one point, “you have amazing eyelashes.  i was looking into your eyes and couldn’t help but notice.”

er… thank… you?

then: “oh, sorry, i got distracted when you licked your lips.”

THEN I get the following email, after shaking his hand goodbye, and emailing  him, thanking him for happy hour:

One of the things I really like about you is how you’re not playing the game of “I’m going to wait this many days before emailing/calling/texting” after a date. That’s really nice to see as I’m super talkative as well and I appreciate how you emailed me soon after we went our separate ways. There were some times last night when we both went silent, and I think you could tell that I like to keep a conversation going, but on the whole you were really engaging and I loved looking into your beautiful eyes as we talked.
I felt that you were as comfortable as I was and I really liked it when you had a flurry of things to say so fast that you used your hands to talk — it was like watching lightning in a bottle. I like that you were passionate about your stories, because I was very interested in listening and learning more about you. When you were really excited to share your story (for example the HS reunion or Farmers Market stories), I could literally see you glow with enthusiasm. It was during those moments, looking into your eyes, that you were so very beautiful.

………..and you have a _really_ cute butt :)


awkward conversations September 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kathleen Celmins @ 3:57 pm
Portland Oregon from the east. By User:Fcb981

Image via Wikipedia

“I think I’d like to move out here, because you’re the person I want to marry.”

Scene: a late-night, post-beer conversation that happened (I’m ashamed to admit) on my bed.  I did not sleep with him, nor will I.  But, sometimes kissing happens after four beers.  For me, it was a spur-of-the-moment kiss.  We only have two beds in our house, and so he snuggled with me, spent the night in my bed.  Little did I know how un-spontaneous the kissing was for him.

“Don’t move here for me,” I said.  Please fall asleep and stop talking now.

Six hours later:

“Don’t try to hold my hand.  I don’t want you to cling to me in public.”

Me: “okay” this is not my style, and you’re not worthy of my affection, public or otherwise and for you to assume that you are, makes you more of a tool than I expected.

Him: “They offered me a position in the NW.  If I moved here, I would like to make a go of it with you.”

Me: “hmm.” No.  No thank you.  I’m not interested.  I realize you think that the reason I never made a move was because of Dan, but that’s only partly true and a convenient excuse.  And sonofabitch!  We’re having this conversation sober which means I can’t deny its existence.

The rest of the day was spent touring:  Powell’s, food carts, Portland things.  Thank goodness he brought his friend so I was able to keep conversation light, and due to his restrictions (or so he must have thought), I did not make any attempt at physical contact.  I didn’t really feel that great due to a combination hangover and cold, so we drove around to different neighborhoods, and ended up having happy hour, where they tasted beers and I did not.

They wanted to go out at night, which I begged off, citing sleepiness.  When I went to bed, I conveniently chose my sister’s bed, so I wouldn’t be subjected to drunken pawing.  Then I left for work at 6:45 on Friday so I wouldn’t have to deal with them in the morning.

I took them to the train station and exhaled a huge sigh of relief.

Yesterday, I was cleaning up the kitchen and found that they opened and drank my most expensive bottle of wine after they came back from the bars.  For me, someone taking an expensive bottle (more than $50) is a slap in the face.  Especially for someone I was already mad at.

Then I sent maybe the snottiest text message of all time:

Ah yes, so for future reference estate cuvee means pricey.  The white was cheap.



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